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Friday, October 31, 2014

Jokes for Friday 31st October 2014

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

Civil Engineering Reference Wallpaper

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Classic quote from Charles Ramsey. The guy who saved 3 kidnapped girls in Ohio

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Climbing the Corporate Ladder

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Coffee

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Crabby Bitch

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Joke # 1

The Difference Between A BEER & YOU OPINION




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Joke # 2

A gentleman farmer is one who has more hay in the bank than in the barn.

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Joke # 3

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"All right," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

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Joke # 4

Q: What goes ha, ha plonk?
A: Someone laughing their head off.

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Joke # 5

Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented.

She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance.

She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"

One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas."

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Joke # 6

Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce. My husband has been cheating on me."

"That is a serious accusation," the judge said. "Do you have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's infidelity?"

"Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another woman."

"Who was this other woman?" the judge asked.

"I don't know. I never saw her before."

"Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she was. It may have been just a harmless coincidence. You should have gone in after them."

"I would have," she explained, "but the fellow I was with had already seen the picture."

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Joke # 7

Alas, it is an original joke I was out walking when I ran into an old friend Doug. I was surprised how he looked. He had lost about forty pounds and was in pretty good shape.

I has to ask him how he did this: 'Doug how did you get in such great shape?

Doug: First thing in the morning when I get up, I pump Iron. When I get home from work, I pump Iron, before I go to bed I pump Iron. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I pump Iron.

I responded: That is amazing Doug, you have done great.

We walked to the parking lot our cars were parked next to each other. I noticed in his car was a drop dead blonde with legs that would not quit. She was stunning and about twenty years Doug's junior.

I asked: Doug who is your lady friend?

Doug: Oh, it is nothing, I have to leave.

The lady got out of the car and spoke: Oh Doug, are you not going to introduce me to your friend. Hello, my name is Janice Iron.

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Joke # 8

Q: What do you get when you cross a duck with cheese?
A: Cheese and quackers.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

When Turkeys Revolt

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/when-turkeys-revolt.html

McNuggets

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/mcnuggets.html

Why Trick or Treating Is Better Than Sex

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/why-trick-or-treating-is-better-than.html

Apple Logo Tribute To Steve Jobs

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/apple-logo-tribute-to-steve-jobs.html

The Ghost of the Middle Class

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/ghost-of-middle-class.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Mobile Phone Comviq

http://bit.ly/bK8LJI

All About Beer

http://bit.ly/9zygwx

Swear Jar

http://bit.ly/9A72jk

Mozart in the Office

http://bit.ly/9wddEC

Cinderella

http://bit.ly/a19SXi


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Thursday, October 30, 2014

Jokes for Thursday 30th October 2014

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-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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C.S. Lewis #Quote

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Canadians Going for Beer

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Careful Drinking Beer and Tequila

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Change Voicemail

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Charles Darwin #Quote

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Joke # 1

Let Go




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Joke # 2

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

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Joke # 3

Two women were discussing their sex lives, when one asked: "Do you know where I can get six black hens?" The other looked bemused and replied: "Six black hens! why do you want six black hens?

Her friend replied: "Because my husband's got a dead cock and I want to use them as pall bearers!"

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Joke # 4

Q: I have 3 heads, 5 legs, 7 arms and 444 fingers. What am I?
A: A liar.

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Joke # 5

Diane buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that she decides to keep them in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend Lauren over to see all her beautiful goldfish.

Lauren is impressed, and remarks, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?"

Diane replies, "I blindfold them."

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Joke # 6

A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"

"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you like to kiss me?"

"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump; the girl looked at the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all the way with me?"

"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes! But how did you know? By the gleam in my eye?"

"No," replied the girl, "by the TILT IN YOUR KILT."

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Joke # 7

A Texan went to the big city up North for the first time. After strolling around the downtown area for a while, he happened to look up and see a man at the top of a tall building. The man looked like he was ready to jump off.

Concerned about the man's fate, the Texan immediately started thinking of things he could tell the man so that he would want to live and would not jump.

"Remember your wife," yelled the Texan.

"She divorced me," said the man.

"Remember your children," yelled the Texan.

"They ran away," said the man.

"Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"They are dead," said the man.

"Remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan.

"What is the Alamo?" inquired the man.

"Jump, you Yankee Sumbitch!" replied the Texan.

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Joke # 8

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Jobs

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/jobs.html

Procrastinators Unite

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/procrastinators-unite.html

The Angry Bird

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/angry-bird.html

The Tax System Paid in Beer

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/tax-system-paid-in-beer.html

This Is My Job

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/this-is-my-job.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Cruise Ship in Storm

http://bit.ly/gAszam

Jacuzzi Party

http://bit.ly/aWJWRx

Flowers Wedding

http://bit.ly/aDpFNM

Driving on 2 wheels

http://bit.ly/cTTnvG

I Feel Good

http://bit.ly/bIUS24


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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Jokes for Wednesday 29th October 2014

SydesJokes Blog
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Colin Sydes Facebook
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SydesJokes Tumblr
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-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

Check how Plexus products can help you lose weight --> http://PlexusSlim.com/ColinSydes

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Brain Fart

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Brain of the Typical Male

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Bullshit Bag

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Bullshit Bingo

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Butt_ Chart

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Joke # 1

Just because the past didn't turn out the way you want it to




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Joke # 2

Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

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Joke # 3

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys.

"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend."

"Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."

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Joke # 4

Q: A man went to play golf for the day. He took his golf clubs and two pairs of pants. What were the extra pants for?
A: In case he got a hole-in-one.

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Joke # 5

A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he would like a woman sent to his room. The man says yes.

The desk clerk says, "I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one should I send up?"

With this the man replies, "I'll take the teacher."

When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says, "I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or the switchboard operator?"

The man replies, "The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it. The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished, but the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get it right."

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Joke # 6

An old woman was taken to a gynecologist for the very first time, and of course the gynecologist was a very young and handsome fellow. The doctor was very thorough in his examination, and of course the old woman was quite embarrassed throughout the whole examination. Finally, the exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed and come in to his office to talk about his findings.

The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the results. She then said she really only had one question for him.

The doctor said, "What is the question you have?"

"Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living?"

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Joke # 7

An old sea captain, and a little guy who played the fiddle, were arguing about women.

The old sea captain tells the little fiddle player that women can't be trusted, and they will not be faithful under any circumstances.

The little fiddle player said well he bet his wife would not do anything like that.

So, the old sea captain said he would bet his ship and cargo against the fiddler player's violin that she would be unfaithful.

The fiddle player took the bet, and invited the sea captain over to his house, and sent the two of them into the bedroom while he waited outside the door.

A half hour went by and he heard nothing from his wife, so he started singing to the tune of Auld Lang Sine:

Be true, my love, be true my love, It's only for an hour. Don't screw, my love, don't screw, my love, And the ship and cargo's ours.

She sang back to him:

Too late, my love, too late, my love, He's got me round the middle, He's screwed me once, he'll do it twice, And you've lost your damned old fiddle!!!

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Joke # 8

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because it had no guts.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Battery Low

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/battery-low.html

Facebook

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/facebook.html

The Janitor

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/janitor.html

Roll the Window Down

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/roll-window-down.html

How to Build a Lasting Relationship

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/how-to-build-lasting-relationship.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

New Home Improvement Tool

http://bit.ly/9Qpm0x

The Complete History of Jack Schitt

http://bit.ly/byrFSk

New Chair Made in China

http://bit.ly/9AfKHz

The Proper Way To Listen To Classical Music

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Jumping Between Platforms

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Monday, October 27, 2014

Strength



Be strong enough to stand alone




Dale Carnegie #Quote




Dear Men




Jokes for Monday 27th October 2014

SydesJokes Blog
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SydesJokes Instagram
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SydesJokes Tumblr
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-> 95% of all diets and weight loss programs fail.
-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

Check how Plexus products can help you lose weight --> http://PlexusSlim.com/ColinSydes

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Being Nice

http://on.fb.me/12HWLBM

Best florist sign ever

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Bit Muddy

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Bitch Inside

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Bitching

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Joke # 1

One of the best feelings in the world




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Joke # 2

Hard Disk space: the final frontier!

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Joke # 3

The salesman reported back to his boss after several weeks on the road and said, "All I got was two orders."

"What were they? Anything good?"

"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"

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Joke # 4

Q: Where does an elephant go when he wants to lie down?
A: Anywhere he pleases.

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Joke # 5

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. ' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

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Joke # 6

Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.

"Do you understand?" his mother asked.

"Yes," replied Little Johnny.

"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.

"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.

"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.

"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"

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Joke # 7

A young apprentice talent agent went out to dinner and a few drinks one night. After a few drinks he met a woman and they had a few drinks together then ended up at his place.

Things start to get pretty hot and he goes down on her. When he gets close to it he hears something, so he puts his ear closer and hears singing. It's a high pitched sweet voice singing an old song.

The man is so excited he forgets all about sex, he gets on the phone and calls his boss.

"Hello Joe you gotta hear this," and he puts the phone down by her pussy where the singing is still going on. "Did you hear that Joe, Did you hear it?"

Joe says, "What the hell's wrong with you? Did you wake me up at three o'clock in the morning just to hear some cunt sing!

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Joke # 8

Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: "You are too young to smoke."

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Adult Kids Books 2

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/adult-kids-books-2.html

Adult Kids Books 1

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/adult-kids-books-1.html

Why Do Women Have Legs

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/why-do-women-have-legs.html

Body Modification and Piercings

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/body-modification-and-piercings.html

Succulent Rack

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/succulent-rack.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Robin Williams - Elmer Fudd

http://bit.ly/bSsOE3

Never Trust A Woman

http://bit.ly/bkZjGN

Cleaning Your Plate

http://bit.ly/aa05tw

On the Piss Again

http://bit.ly/dgqjWq

Oh Crap

http://bit.ly/bDtTK8


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Sunday, October 26, 2014

Jokes for Sunday 26th October 2014

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-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

Check how Plexus products can help you lose weight --> http://PlexusSlim.com/ColinSydes

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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BBQ Pokers

http://on.fb.me/12HWKxP

Be Afraid

http://on.fb.me/12HWKO7

Be When You Grow Up

http://on.fb.me/12HWKOh

Beer Glasses

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Beer Troubleshooting

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Joke # 1

In order to be successful




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Joke # 2

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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Joke # 3

Guy in a bar to a girl: "Tell me those three little words that will make me walk on air."

Girl: "Go hang yourself."

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Joke # 4

Q: Why do giraffes have long necks?
A: Because they have smelly feet.

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Joke # 5

Pauly and Maury are at the local Pub, and Maury is visibly inebriated.

Pauly, solicitously, says, "Why don't you take a bus to go home?"

Maury (speech slurred): "That's a brilliant idea! Last time I took a bulldozer and was sentenced to 360 hours of community service."

Pauly: "Harsh!"

Maury: "Apparently, I inadvertently did some... rezoning of the neighborhood."

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Joke # 6

Charles was taking his out-of-town buddy Clyde on a walking tour of the city. Clyde saw a good-looking girl and asked Charles if he knew her.

"Yes, that's Jacqueline -- one hundred and twenty dollars."

A little further along, Clyde spotted an even more stunning girl and asked if Charles happened to know her also.

"Yes, that Rosalynn -- one hundred and eighty dollars."

After the process was repeated twice more, Clyde remarked, "Good Heavens! Aren't there any respectable women in this city?"

"Of course!" replied Charles, highly offended. "But you couldn't afford them either."

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Joke # 7

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

The store clerk replied, "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

To which the blonde answered, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

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Joke # 8

Q: Why did the orange use suntan lotion?
A: He started to peel.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Billboards You Will Never See 1

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/billboards-you-will-never-see-1.html

Stock Market Ride

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/stock-market-ride.html

Art With Fingers 1

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/art-with-fingers-1.html

Beer Cup

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/beer-cup.html

Anti Drinking Campaign

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/anti-drinking-campaign.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Printer Ink Secret

http://bit.ly/9goVcR

Do Not Judge Too Quickly #4

http://bit.ly/9zS2BY

Dr Pepper

http://bit.ly/aHCtfo

Child Proof Drawer

http://bit.ly/a6blzr

Umbro

http://bit.ly/ae5Y5K


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Dear middle finger




Dirty Laundry




Discipline




Don't be afraid of change




Don't die before you're dead




Don't ruin a good today




Saturday, October 25, 2014

Jokes for Saturday 25th October 2014

SydesJokes Blog
http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/

Colin Sydes Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/colin.sydes

Colin Sydes Google+
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SydesJokes Facebook Page
http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

SydesJokes Twitter
http://twitter.com/SydesJokes

SydesJokes Flickr
http://flickr.com/SydesJokes/

SydesJokes Instagram
http://instagram.com/SydesJokes

SydesJokes Tumblr
http://SydesJokes.tumblr.com/

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Balloon Tank

http://on.fb.me/12HWHSw

Baltic Bitch Hotel

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Banned From eBay - Penis Enlargement

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Bar Urinal

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Batman moustache

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Check more on Facebook --> http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

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Joke # 1

The person who's been there for everyone




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Joke # 2

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

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Joke # 3

"How is it I find you sleeping with my daughter?" stormed the outraged father. "I ask you, you little bastard, how is it?"

"Why, just great, sir," replied the calm young man, 'just great!"

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Joke # 4

Q: If one is single and two is a couple and three is a crowd, what is four and five?
A: 9 (5+4)

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Joke # 5

The old guy was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The prosecutor asked: "Did you ever get any cocaine from the defendant?"

"No, sir," answered the witness.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?"

"No, sir."

"Did you ever get any from his daughter?"

"Excuse me, sir," the witness said, "Are we still talking about cocaine?"

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Joke # 6

This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never fucked a cop before!"

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Joke # 7

A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off and he observed someone near him shouting at one of the departing passengers, "Goodbye. Your wife was a great lay! Your wife was a great lay!"

He was stunned. After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man and asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you tell that man his wife was a great lay?"

The other man shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't really true," he said, "but I don't want to hurt his feelings."

The recently married bride was perplexed when her husband announced that he had found a new position.

"What's that, honey?"

"We lie back to back."

"But, what kind if position is that?"

"You'll see. Another couple is joining us."

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Joke # 8

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a lion?
A: I don't know, but when it talks you'd better listen.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Art on Military Aircraft

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/art-on-military-aircraft.html

Art With Fingers 2

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/art-with-fingers-2.html

Guide to Asses

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/guide-to-asses.html

Billboards You Will Never See 2

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/billboards-you-will-never-see-2.html

How To Fix Anything

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/how-to-fix-anything.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

The Correct Way To Answer the Door

http://bit.ly/div0qu

Sheep Crashes Into A Wall

http://bit.ly/bO71hn

Immigration Song

http://bit.ly/bug7zw

Truck vs Bridge #1

http://bit.ly/b6w2A6

Blind Levis

http://bit.ly/d4PkHe


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Friday, October 24, 2014

Jokes for Friday 24th October 2014

SydesJokes Blog
http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/

Colin Sydes Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/colin.sydes

Colin Sydes Google+
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SydesJokes Twitter
http://twitter.com/SydesJokes

SydesJokes Flickr
http://flickr.com/SydesJokes/

SydesJokes Instagram
http://instagram.com/SydesJokes

SydesJokes Tumblr
http://SydesJokes.tumblr.com/

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-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

Check how Plexus products can help you lose weight --> http://PlexusSlim.com/ColinSydes

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

Baby Mops

http://on.fb.me/12HWJKa

Bachelor Fridge

http://on.fb.me/12HWJKi

Bacon Condom

http://on.fb.me/12HWK0B

Bad Sex

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Bad Woman

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Check more on Facebook --> http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

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Joke # 1

A jealous woman




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Joke # 2

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

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Joke # 3

A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."

The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal." "Well, I don't know," said the woman,

"It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband, too!"

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Joke # 4

Q:Whats the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?
A:One has hydraulics the other has highbollocks.

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Joke # 5

Cool things about having a beer belly:

* You're less likely to be pestered by annoying sorority girls.

* It doubles as a convenient TV tray for nachos and beer.

* It's a great way to meet cute female cardiologists.

* Extra gravity makes it that much less likely you'll ever be thrown free of the earth into deep space.

* Your bellybutton can store up to eight quarters for the parking meter.

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Joke # 6

The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square.

The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent.

Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer."

"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."

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Joke # 7

A Blonde walks by a Travel Agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 Cruise Special, please."

The Agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second Blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 Special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first Blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first Blonde asks, "Do they serve 'Refreshments' on this Cruise?"

The second Blonde replies, "They didn't last year...."

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Joke # 8

Q: What kind of band doesn't play music?
A: A highbred.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Sarcasm for Dummies

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/sarcasm-for-dummies.html

English

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/english.html

Bluetooth and Wi-Fi

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/bluetooth-and-wi-fi.html

Billboards You Will Never See 3

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/billboards-you-will-never-see-3.html

Sarcasm

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/sarcasm.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

SydesJokes Video Clips

Cheers - Can Mormons Send Flowers

http://bit.ly/b5lbhk

Cat Fishing the Hard Way

http://bit.ly/aW8kIR

Red Dwarf Brown Alert

http://bit.ly/cNU7oX

The Perfect Girl

http://bit.ly/9gsjUS

Pulling Car Out of Snow

http://bit.ly/cvFiYq


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Thursday, October 23, 2014

Drugs




Earl Nigtingale #Quote


Nelson Mandela #Quote



Jokes for Thursday 23rd October 2014

SydesJokes Blog
http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/

Colin Sydes Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/colin.sydes

Colin Sydes Google+
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SydesJokes Facebook Page
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SydesJokes Twitter
http://twitter.com/SydesJokes

SydesJokes Flickr
http://flickr.com/SydesJokes/

SydesJokes Instagram
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SydesJokes Tumblr
http://SydesJokes.tumblr.com/

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-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

Check how Plexus products can help you lose weight --> http://PlexusSlim.com/ColinSydes

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

As we get older we start to forget things

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Ashamed

http://on.fb.me/12HWH54

Aussie Drinking Game

http://on.fb.me/12HWJdd

Aussie Gentleman

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Aussie Sheila

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Check more on Facebook --> http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

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Joke # 1

Taking care of veterans




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Joke # 2

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankl e with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

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Joke # 3

A sexy lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the sexy lady said to the young man, "My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want." The young man was aroused by the young lady _expression, and said to the lady, "I don't believe it." Young lady said, "You can try it if you want." Young man said, "OK come to my hotel room and prove it to me." They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room. Upon entering he room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling the left nipple for AM/FM fine-tuning. After a while nothing happen. He changed to the right nipple and start rubbing with greater pressure. Again, nothing happened.

The young man soon gave up and ask the lady, "Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/ bass nipples there are no response."

The sexy lady replied, "You forgot to PLUG IN your power."

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Joke # 4

Q: What do you call a fairy that hasn't bathed in a year?
A: Stinkerbell.

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Joke # 5

A man shows up for his first day of work aboard a cruise ship. He soon discovers there are no women on board, so he seeks out the captain. "Captain!" he says, "There are no women on this ship! What will we do for pleasure?"

"Not to worry, laddie," the captain says as he walks the man over to a barrel. "Just stick your willie in the hole in this barrel here. That'll take care o' ya!"

The man is a little ambivalent about this at first, but the next day he decides, "What the heck?" and tries it. The sensation is wonderful!

The man begins to do this every day.

He notices the other men aboard the ship are doing it, too. One day he does it and feels nothing. So he seeks the captain out. "Captain!" he says, "I didn't feel anything from the hole in the barrel today!"

"Sorry, laddie, forgot to tell ya," the captain says. "Today it's your turn to be in the barrel!"

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Joke # 6

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:

"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."

Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:

"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! Fuck it, I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"

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Joke # 7

Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona. They were running late and as luck would have it their car broke down. They found a repair garage nearby. The mechanic told them it would take four hours to fix their car. But he told them" You're in luck. I have a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light directs. So the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took off.

An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.

"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"

"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!'" When we got off to look, the beast took off when the light turned green."

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Joke # 8

Q: When is it a good time to eat a window?
A: When it's jammed.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Dog Leash

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/dog-leash.html

Tact

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/tact.html

Billboards You Will Never See 4

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/billboards-you-will-never-see-4.html

Why aren't we moving FASTER

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/why-arent-we-moving-faster.html

Bad Parking

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/bad-parking.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Fuji Film

http://bit.ly/cw2niD

Driving School

http://bit.ly/an7DZN

False Teeth

http://bit.ly/a9TryX

Home Depot Ad

http://bit.ly/d7h4kh

The Good the Bad the Ugly

http://bit.ly/9CU62w


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This restroom had a quote on the wall that was only legible by reading it through a mirror


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Note to self



Paulo Coelho #Quote



Never judge someone



Jokes for Wednesday 22nd October 2014

SydesJokes Blog
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Colin Sydes Facebook
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Colin Sydes Google+
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SydesJokes Facebook Page
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SydesJokes Tumblr
http://SydesJokes.tumblr.com/

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Advertisement

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-> 95% of all diets and weight loss programs fail.
-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

Check how Plexus products can help you lose weight --> http://PlexusSlim.com/ColinSydes

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

An American Original

http://on.fb.me/12HWD5p

Anal Pencil Sharpner

http://on.fb.me/12HWDlF

Anderson Cooper asked Charles Ramsey if he'd like a reward

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Another Use of Cell Phone

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Army Knives

http://on.fb.me/12HWIWD

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Joke # 1

Open box




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Joke # 2

Remember to use ALL fingers when waving at a police officer.

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Joke # 3

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.

"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.

"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Joke # 4

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.

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Joke # 5

A blonde decided to buy an elaborate and expensive coffee and latte machine with all the latest gadgets, bells and whistles. Knowing her propensity for getting instructions mixed up, she got some first-hand instructions on how to use the machine.

The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in and set the timer so she could go to bed and the coffee would be ready when she got up.

A few weeks later, she returned to the store and the salesman asked, "How do you like the coffee machine?"

"It's wonderful! It's very easy to use and it makes excellent tasting coffee. But there's one thing that really bugs me and I don't quite understand." she replied.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

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Joke # 6

Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.

Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect."

"Great," said the teacher.

Michael got up and said, " my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife."

"Good," said the teacher.

Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mommy, she is a substitute."

Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute."

"No," Said Johnny, "my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."

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Joke # 7

You know how everything in Texas is bigger than anywhere else? Well, there was this Texan living in Bristol a while back. Huge fellow he was, had to duck under all but the highest of doorways, and often had to go through sideways. And he was always going on about how much bigger things were back home, used to really bore everyone senseless with his bragging.

Anyway, he died one day, and wound up in a mortuary where a friend of mine worked. Charlie was telling me about the trouble they had, trying to find a coffin big enough to plant him in. They looked everywhere, but there was nothing that even came close, and it would take time to have one specially made. "So what did you do?" I asked.

"Oh," said Charlie, "it was simple, really. We gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box."

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Joke # 8

Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and legs?
A: A fuzz ball.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Shower Power

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/12/shower-power.html

Definitions of Designations

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/12/definitions-of-designations.html

Hot Rod Wheel Chair

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/12/hot-rod-wheel-chair.html

Billboards You Will Never See 5

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/billboards-you-will-never-see-5.html

Notice

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/notice.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Sand Art #3

http://bit.ly/bHKE1p

Meet - A Whale

http://bit.ly/cdLxGY

The Next Morning

http://bit.ly/a8oqKM

Lotto Ticket

http://bit.ly/ddI1q5

Ride em Cowgirl

http://bit.ly/aNPQMI


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Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Every time




Never allow waiting to become a habit



My personality



Nelson Mandela #Quote



Never let the sadness of your past



No Pool



Jokes for Tuesday 21st October 2014

SydesJokes Blog
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SydesJokes Tumblr
http://SydesJokes.tumblr.com/

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

A Satisfied Microsoft Customer

http://on.fb.me/12HWCOL

A super awesome picture of a fulgurite, a hollow silica tube that is made when lightning strikes sand

http://on.fb.me/12HWG14

Adult Lego

http://on.fb.me/12HWCOS

After Dinner Nipples

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All You Can Eat - Advert

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Check more on Facebook --> http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

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Joke # 1

Helen Keller Quote




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Joke # 2

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

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Joke # 3

Pauly and Maury are at the bar and chatting.

Maury: "My boss only wants 'yes men' around him."

Pauly: "My boss doesn't. When he says 'no' he wants us to say 'no' too."

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Joke # 4

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

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Joke # 5

Jill was a knockout but alas, she also was virtually brainless.

Fortunately, this was no drawback as far as John's plans for the evening were concerned. He was delighted when she agreed to come up to his apartment for a nightcap.

As he prepared the drinks, full of anticipation, Jill explored the apartment, stopping now and then to examine a painting or a book title, she didn't quite understand. At last she stopped dead in front of his fireplace.

"What on earth is that?" Jill asked pointing to a carved wooden object lying on the mantel.

"Oh, that. It's African," John replied. "They use them in their fertility rites. It's a phallic symbol."

"Oh, I see." stated Jill demurely. "I'd hate to tell you what it looks like!"

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Joke # 6

Murray had a new flame, and before long they had a difference of opinion. "I don't like the way you're carrying on with other guys," he ranted, "That must stop!"

"Calm down, Murray," she replied, "There's no reason for you to flip.

Listen, don't I always let you take me to shows?"

"Yeah." "And to dinner?"

"That's right." "And don't I let you buy me flowers and clothes, and other gifts?"

"Yeah." "So what are you getting excited about," she assured him, "I only use the other guys for love-making."

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Joke # 7

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat?

So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

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Joke # 8

Q: When were vowels invented?
A: When u and i were born.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Who Are You

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/12/who-are-you.html

Carol Singing

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/12/carol-singing.html

Vodka

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/12/vodka.html

Multi-Holiday Lawn Inflatable

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/12/multi-holiday-lawn-inflatable.html

Computer Terms - Texas Translation

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/12/computer-terms-texas-translation.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Penguins

http://bit.ly/9DopME

Dr Horrible's Sing Along Act 3 / Part 2

http://bit.ly/a2SY5K

Football Season

http://bit.ly/dhrtON

Carrier Landing - Arresting Wire Snaps

http://bit.ly/d5t0hO

Three Little Pigs At Christmas

http://bit.ly/bMr84Z


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Motivation



Perfect Relationship



Mother Teresa #Quote



Jokes for Monday 20th October 2014

SydesJokes Blog
http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/

Colin Sydes Facebook
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Colin Sydes Google+
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SydesJokes Tumblr
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Advertisement

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Consider the following:

-> 95% of all diets and weight loss programs fail.
-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

Check how Plexus products can help you lose weight --> http://PlexusSlim.com/ColinSydes

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

A Clock For Engineers

http://on.fb.me/12HWFtU

A Lady

http://on.fb.me/12HWFKi

A lot of problems in the world

http://on.fb.me/12HWFKk

A Mother

http://on.fb.me/12HWCyj

A New Mouse for Women

http://on.fb.me/12HWG0P

Check more on Facebook --> http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

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Joke # 1

A True Gentleman




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Joke # 2

Honk if you're an Asshole.

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Joke # 3

Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the Internet is an addictive agent which, they say, is just as powerful as drugs or alcohol.

However, researchers go on to say that the Internet is actually much more dangerous than these addictive substances, since it is a terminal addiction.

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Joke # 4

Q: Why did the dinosaur walk across the road?
A: Because chickens were not invented yet.

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Joke # 5

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

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Joke # 6

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten" said Murphy.

So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.

"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"

"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I."

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Joke # 7

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied...

"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

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Joke # 8

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A rubbish truck.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Can't Be Right

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/12/cant-be-right.html

Electric Cars (Embedded Slide Show)

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/12/electric-cars-embedded-slide-show_05.html

Are You A Scrooge?

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/12/are-you-scrooge.html

Electric Cars

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/12/electric-cars.html

I'm Pregnant

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/12/im-pregnant.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

New Job

http://bit.ly/aCTdPo

Clearing Train Track in India

http://bit.ly/98x7QE

Best Halloween Costume Ever

http://bit.ly/d2YctE

Spanish For Your Nanny

http://bit.ly/9SJaFN

Flight Security

http://bit.ly/bj6Od9


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