Joke 1
George Bernard Shaw
Original post: http://bit.ly/2CFfGAa
Joke 2
A good girl keeps her eye on the clock; a bad girl keeps her eye on the calendar
Joke 3
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text; "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
He replied, "I am in the bathroom. Please advise."
Joke 4
Q: What do you do when your chair breaks?
A: Call a chairman.
Joke 5
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Gilbert , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
Joke 6
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Joke 7
Little Johnny awoke to his mother's screams and banging and thumping noises coming from his parent's bedroom. He rushed to the room and threw open the door to see daddy on top of mommy. He cried out, "Stop it daddy, you're hurting mommy."
Johnny's daddy told him, "I'm not hurting mommy, don't cry, we are putting a baby in there so you have a little brother to play with." His mommy nodded and said it was ok, she liked it, so Johnny went out to play.
When Johnny's father returned from work that day he saw Johnny sitting on the steps crying. He said, "Johnny I thought everything was cleared up, why are you crying?"
Johnny said, "I'm not crying about that daddy, I'm crying because while you were at work the postman came by and ate my baby brother."
Joke 8
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A: A brick layer!
Trumpoleon
Original post: http://bit.ly/2CGaJHa
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