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Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Daily @SydesJokes Digest for 18 Apr 2017

 

I did this SydesJokes Daily Digest for many years as a daily e.mail but stopped. I have decided to do them again but this time as blog posts

 


# 1

Be strong


# 2

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.


# 3

A teacher was asked to fill out a special questionnaire for the state. One question said, "Give two reasons for entering the teaching profession."

The teacher wrote, "July and August."


# 4

Q: What kind of dress can’t be worn?
A: Address.


# 5

A missionary in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm toast."

A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash in the head of the chief."

So the missionary picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the head of the chief, knocking him out. He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief.

Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay ... NOW you're toast!"


# 6

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visitsome friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looked around at the fields incredulously and asked the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"

No, the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."


# 7

Sometime after William died, his widow, Beatrice, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

William thought of everything, she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside and handed me three envelopes. 'Bea,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

What was in the envelopes? her friends asked.

The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know William is resting very comfortably.

The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged William a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending. And the third envelope? asked her friends.

The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.

Holding her hand in the air, Beatrice said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.


# 8

Q: Why did the girl throw the butter out the window?
A: She wanted to see a butterfly.


 

 

 

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