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Thursday, April 20, 2017

Daily @SydesJokes Digest for 20 Apr 2017

 

I did this SydesJokes Daily Digest for many years as a daily e.mail but stopped. I have decided to do them again but this time as blog posts

 


# 1

Don't be afraid of change


# 2

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. - Groucho Marx


# 3

A strawberry and a cucumber grew up in the same garden patch. They were best buds growing up. As they grew older, they decided it was time to branch out, leave home, and see the world. So they hitched a ride on a nearby vegetable cart and took off.

Their first stop was at a local farmer's market. Unfortunately, that's where the trouble started. A big row broke out and they got separated, one of them ending up in a jam and the other in a pickle.


# 4

Q: What kind of phones do people in jail use?
A: Cell phones


# 5

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

Whoa, replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"


# 6

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the race- track. The broker suggested betting $12,000 on a certain horse. The analyst was skeptical; he had never been to the races before and wanted to understand the rules and look over all the horses before placing a wager.

You're too cautious and detail-oriented, the broker criticized as he placed his large bet. His horse won and he raked in a bundle of money.

What's your secret? the analyst asked.

It's simple, the broker explained. "I have two kids... ages two and six...so I add their ages together and bet on number nine."

But two and six is eight, not nine! protested the analyst.

See! the broker replied, "I told you you're too cautious and detail-oriented."


# 7

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States.  He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank your  Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education.

The passerby says, "You are mistaken. I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America.

The person says. "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand a and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you American?'

She says, "No, I'm from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

If you don't pass this on to your friends, by tomorrow you will receive three illegal immigrants absolutely free.


# 8

Q: What kind of driver has no arms or legs?
A: A screwdriver.


 

 

 

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