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Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Daily @SydesJokes Digest for 12 Apr 2017

 

I did this SydesJokes Daily Digest for many years as a daily e.mail but stopped. I have decided to do them again but this time as blog posts

 


# 1

The greatest gift you can give someone is your time


# 2

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."


# 3

Recently in Traffic Court a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.

The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.

The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you $57. Next."


# 4

Q: What do you call a man with a broken condom?
A: "Daddy."


# 5

Captain Blackadder: "That's right. There was one tiny flaw in the plan".

Lieutenant George: "O, what was that?"

Captain Blackadder: "It was bollocks"


# 6

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.' With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, 'Come on, baby.. Alabama Girl needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed..'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers...

And then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.. *

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But, all men... are men.


# 7

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

Oh, no, everybody's just fine, he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

Hasn't affected my brothers though.


# 8

Q: What goes tick, woof, tick, woof, tick, woof, tick, woof, tick, woof?
A: A watch dog


 

 

 

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