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Friday, April 14, 2017

Daily @SydesJokes Digest for 14 Apr 2017

 

I did this SydesJokes Daily Digest for many years as a daily e.mail but stopped. I have decided to do them again but this time as blog posts

 


# 1

Joke # 1

Translation


# 2

If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.


# 3

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."

Amazing, said the counselor. "How did you do it?"

I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.


# 4

Mary decides to consult a diet doctor. "What's the most you've ever weighed?" he asks her.

One hundred fifty-nine pounds.

And the least?

Six pounds four ounces.


# 5

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

No thank you. she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

That must be rather difficult. the man replied.

Oh, I don't mind too much. she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."


# 6

An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.

After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women."

The priest replied, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them Into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?

No, said the priest, "but it will wipe that shit-eatin' grin off your face."


# 7

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

Sand, answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

Sand, says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

Hey Buddy, says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."


# 8

Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A: A cartoon.


 

 

 

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