Saturday, April 15, 2017

Daily @SydesJokes Digest for 15 Apr 2017

 

I did this SydesJokes Daily Digest for many years as a daily e.mail but stopped. I have decided to do them again but this time as blog posts

 


# 1

Joke # 1

Carl Sagan Quote


# 2

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.


# 3

A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service. "It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off."

Wow, you must have been something, the admiring young soldiers remarked." What was your job in the service?"

Elevator operator in the Pentagon.


# 4

Q: What country makes you shiver?
A: Chile.


# 5

Mary decides to consult a diet doctor. "What's the most you've ever weighed?" he asks her.

One hundred fifty-nine pounds.

And the least?

Six pounds four ounces.


# 6

Sam and his best buddy Billy wanted to go fishing, so they got into their boat and headed out into the ocean. After traveling several miles a very large wave came at them and capsized their small boat. As soon as they got into the water and started to swim a large shark came by and chewed both of Billy's arms off.

Billy yelled at Sam, "I can't swim, a shark bit my arms off!"

Sam yelled back, "Try to get on my back and I will swim us over to that island."

So Billy got on Sam's back and they headed toward the island. After swimming for a long time they finally made it to the beach. Sam got up on the sand and just about passed out from all that hard swimming. He looked at Billy and said, "Damn my butt is sore. I didn't know swimming would make my butt so sore!"

Billy just smiled and said, "I'm sorry, but that was the only way I could hang on."


# 7

A mom was concerned about her Kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe.

So, she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her"?

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

The friend said, "Well, who is she"?

That's just Shirley Goodnest, Timmy replied. "And her daughter Marcy."

Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?

Well, Timmy explained. "Every night, my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, because she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"


# 8

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: Fsh.


 

 

 

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