Joke 1
Mark Twain
Joke 2
It is a glorious achievement to master one's own temper.
Joke 3
"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.
"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."
Joke 4
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
Joke 5
An American stood in London looking at a large building. A British boy walked by and stood beside the American.
"You know," said the American, "in the States we have that kind of building too, but they are four times higher."
"Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental hospital."
Joke 6
Pauly and Maury are chatting.
Pauly: "I bought the fastest car on the market."
Maury (impressed): "You bought a Ferrari Enzo?"
Pauly: "No, a bought a Yugo."
Maury (in disbelief): "A Yugo? You call that fastest???"
Pauly: "Sure. Fastest depreciation on the market."
Joke 7
The first man married a woman from Michigan. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Missouri. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Joke 8
Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?
A: A misconception.
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