Joke 1
Attitude is a paintbrush
Original post: http://bit.ly/2GEW0zx
Joke 2
The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
Joke 3
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Joke 4
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You're too young to smoke!
Joke 5
"I always worry when you leave for a weekend with the guys," sobbed the pretty young wife.
"Don't worry about me, babe," he soothed her. "I'll be back before you know it."
"I know," she sighed. "That's what worries me."
Joke 6
Two men were talking in a restaurant. They had ordered their dinner and were patiently waiting for the meals to be delivered. The first man asked the other, "Do you know how many lawyers it would take to change a lightbulb?"
"Naw, cain't rightly say I do," replied the second guy.
"You could NEVER get a lawyer to change a lightbulb!"
"Now, hold on, pardner." The man added, "I ain't no rocket scientist, but NO lawyer could see what he was doing in the dark!"
The othr man replied, "Well, you have two alternatives. Here they are. One, you could ask the secretary to change the lightbulb. She would. Two, you could ask the lawyer, 'Would you screw a new lightbulb in here?' and he would! Hell, man, don'tcha know? A LAWYER will screw anything he can!"
Joke 7
A ninety-eight-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and, remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she drank the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't ever sell that cow."
Joke 8
Q: What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Original post: http://bit.ly/2GGHCGU
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